Saturday, January 7, 2017

Underworld: Blood War Review.

  I checked out the new Underworld movie. Hmmmm. I really enjoyed the first three movies in the series. The fourth one wasn’t that bad, but it was a departure from the original that made it not really worth watching again.
  The new one just tries to go overboard. Don’t get me wrong. Selena is still hot in her Death Dealer outfit, but after a thousand years is getting long in the tooth. Plus I do believe that she has been sucking down too much millennial blood. She is whining about being tired of killing Lycans. At the slightest bite of trouble she is ready to give up and succumb to the oblivion of death, or death once again of the more permanent kind. Which kind of brings up how easy it is to kill vampires. Snap their necks, slit their throats, stab them with just about anything and they drop dead. I mean what’s really the point of being an immortal undead creature if little things like that can kill you?
  They do introduce a new vampy vampire Semira who wants to rule the Vampires, but cant even keep her cleavage under control. Another vampire Alexia has a tongue that I really hope was CGI, especially as the actress playing her is Daisy May Head. The guy behind me even exclaimed in shock. "Oh my god!" When it made it's appearance. 
  But I digress. I really don’t see how the Vampires have lasted this long. When attacked they run out into the open so they can be shot. Only a few of them seem to be able to hold their own against Lycans in their animal form. They remind me of the Elves in the Lord of the Rings. Some of them can fight the rest stand around looking pretty waiting to be slaughtered. And don’t get me started on their ability to shoot. I am debating which are the worst shots in the Universe. Storm Troopers or Underworld Vampires. I would suggest a shooting contest but who can wait that long for one of them to hit the target?
  Then we have the supposedly impregnable fortress of the Vampires of the Eastern Coven. I’m thinking the same guy that designed the Maginot Line designed the defenses of this “fortress.” When your entire defense consists of one guy with one button, you might want to rethink your defenses. While the vampires are arguing who should rule, the Lycans waltz right up in a convoy of trucks to the front door. The vampires now alerted to the problem arm themselves to the teeth with guns they know they don’t know how to aim and stand behind the banister of the stairs preparing to shoot at anything that comes through the door. No grenades out the windows, no barrels of boiling oil to defend the door from being breeched in the first place. 
  Meanwhile outside the Lycans are casually placing bombs on the door in a random fashion. Here, there and just about everywhere where it wouldn’t have really mattered for a well hung steel door. Yet somehow the blast goes to the path of most resistance and the doors go flying off. Then the riff raff comes charging in.
  Which reminds me. Why are vampires always dressed like black clad fops while the Lycans in human form are always dressed like homeless peasants? Hmmm. I guess perhaps it could be because their clothes are always getting ripped to pieces when they change form. Instead of buying good clothes they would rather spend the money on an inordinate amount of weapons that they will quickly abandon to take their wolf form and rip their peasant clothes. It’s a vicious cycle they can’t seem to get out of. One would think they would have discovered stretchy clothes buy now.
  Anyway. As the bullets are flying about hitting no one but vampires the Lycans bring in a couple of heavy guns to start blowing holes in the steel covers that come down over the windows when it is daylight. Of course this lets in daylight, which then starts to burn swaths of pretty aimless vampires to cinders. Why they did not just blow holes through from the outside is another mystery to be solved. Before I give more of the plot away I will end this here. Although I will say that they set up the ending for another movie. 
  In conclusion: It is worth watching, but wait till it comes out on video or streaming.

No comments: